WAY BEYOND THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS:I have been reading a wonderful book called "Women Counseling Women" Biblical Answers to Life's Difficult Problems by Elyse Fitzpatrick, General Editor. The Lord has truly been working in and through me as I continue to find such useful help as I learn the answers from life's difficult problems from a Biblical point of view. I praise God for teaching me these things. At times "I wish" that I found these answers "long ago". But God in His Sovereignty has me learning them now at age 36 as a single working mom. I want to share Chapter 12 from this book with you. It has taught me to trust God with my future and to rest in knowing that THIS is His plan for me. My hope is in Him and He TRULY is all that I need in this life. The most important thing that I've learned from this most powerful and life changing chapter is that God alone is the source of all I need because He is the source of life!!!!!
I pray that you too, will be blessed and encouraged as I share with you this chapter that has been such an encouragement to me. This section was written by Lynn Denby. She lives in Simi Valley, California, with her husband, Dennis, with whom she enjoys traveling and hiking. After homeschooling their three children through high school, she had the privilege of completing her MA in biblical counseling at The Master's College. She has a passion for counseling women one-on-one and leading small-group Bible studies. Presently, as part of her church's women's ministry board, she is helping to oversee spiritual growth and prayer among the women at her church.
~Chapter 12~
When Cherie finally made it into bed, she collapsed from exhaustion. She didn't know how she and her children would make it. This was all just too much. There were overdue bills, the bathroom sink was barely draining, the car engine check light had just turned on, her son wanted to join Little League, and her daughter needed new shoes for school.
How could she possibly be both mother and father for her children? What had happened to her dream of raising a family together with her husband? It had already been two years since the divorce, but she still was not coping much better than right after David announced he was leaving her for someone else. At times she was consumed by anger and resentment over being left to raise the kids alone. She just wanted some time for herself without all of this responsibility. Was that asking too much?
Gabrielle, too, struggled with being a single mom. She thought she and her boyfriend would be together forever, but they split up when the fighting got to be to much. She felt guilty for shuttling the girls between two homes and often felt envious when she saw what appeared to be happy couples together. The lives of others looked so much easier to her than her own.
Latoya, a successful career woman, purposely chose to become a single mother, but raising a child alone had proven to be more challenging than she had imagined. Between working full-time and caring for her son, she had little time to spend with friends or pursue her own interests, and she felt so lonely, starved for adult companionship.
Amber found herself in a situation she had never imagined. She and her husband had been happily married for 15 years when he was suddenly killed in a car accident. Her life was shattered. She was consumed by fear and worry as she tried to support her three children. How would she ever earn enough money and where would she find the time to give each child the attention they needed? She often found herself wallowing in self-pity as she trudged along facing what seemed like impossible demands on her.
Struggling Single Moms
Cherie, Gabrielle, Latoya, and Amber are all struggling. The feelings they wrestle with are feelings common to many women. Yet the fact they are all single mothers makes their struggles much harder. Whether by divorce, the death of a spouse, the break-up of a relationship, or by choice, single mothers face a difficult task. In the midst of raising their children, they may grapple with loneliness, guilt, grief, self-centerdness, anger, resentment, fear, worry, envy, and self-pity.
At times these emotional responses are God-given human reactions to life experiences. God made us feel guilt when we break His law, to feel fear when our lives are in danger, and to feel righteous anger when we see evil. Grief and loneliness can also be normal responses to loss and isolation.
However, sometimes our sinful nature takes what God has given for our good and turns in into self-oriented, sinful responses. We can become angry and worried when we are not getting our way. We might feel guilt over shortcomings or wrong actions or struggle with envy when we see others getting what we want. These self-oriented, sinful responses, however, can be turned into the fruit of God's Spirit (joy, hope, peace, etc.) as we learn how to trust in God and change our thoughts, especially when we change what we think about God Himself.
You Are Not Alone
As a single mom, you need to know that you are not alone in your struggles. God is with you, ready to help, support, guide, strengthen, and encourage you. He wants to be, and can be for you, way beyond any "man of your dreams." God is faithful, loving, involved, and supportive of His children. God can be trusted to be with you and for you (Romans 8:31-39). But, as in any relationship, we can only trust someone to the point that we know them, so we need to get to know God better (2 Peter 3:18).
What Do You Really Know About God?
What people know about God most often comes from what they were taught as children or how God is portrayed in the media. You may wonder if God is even real if you've been taught all your life that God does not exist. You may have heard people describe God as a cosmic killjoy or a stern judge who is waiting for you to have fun or make a mistake so He can zap you. Or do you think of God as being disinterested, more like the way Morgan Freeman portrayed Him in the movie Bruce Almighty, wanting to take a break and leaving the universe in the hands of someone like Bruce?
Our human ability to comprehend God is limited (Isaiah 55:8-9). We must be careful to not create a "God of our own understanding," but instead to seek to know the true God as He is revealed to us in His Word, the Bible. While some qualities about God are visible in His physical creation (Romans 1:19-20), most of what we can know about God comes from the Bible. It is filled with descriptions about God. You might find yourself surprised by what the Bible has to say about who God is and what He is like.
God is Knowable
God is knowable because He has chosen to stay involved with His creation (Acts 17:27-28(. The Bible is the story of God reaching down to communicate to His creation the truth about Himself. In the Bible, we can learn about what God has done and about His character. This allows us to know Him, learn to trust Him, and live livest that please Him.
We learn about God and get to know Him as we read His Word and live by faith, trusting He will do and be what He has said. Our faith in God can only be as strong as what we know about the character of God. The stronger our faith, the more we will experience God's peace, joy, and hope, as opposed to being ruled by sinful responses such as fear, anger, and envy. But before we look at specific character qualities found in God, it is important for us to understand how our thought patterns can affect us.
What Does It Matter What We Think?
Our Thoughts Affect Our Feelings ~ What we think about greatly impacts what we do and how we feel. It is not our circumstances that lead to our feelings; it is what we are thinking about our circumstances that produces our feelings. Perhaps that is a new thought for you. So again, what you tell yourself about your circumstances will determine how you feel about your circumstances. As you look at your circumstances through the lens of who God says He truly is, you will view them differently, and then begin to feel differently.
Feelings Are Not Facts
We frequently live as though our feelings are facts, but our feelings, are not facts. It is possible for use to feel something that is based on a lie. For example, you may feel God could not possibly forgive you for some of the things you have done in your past. yet that is a lie, because God's Word clearly tells us that when we confess our sin God is faithful to forgive us and to cleanse us from all sin (1 John 1:9). Because our thought influence our feelings and our feelings so often affect how we live, it is essential for us to make sure we are thinking only those things that are true (Philippians 4:8).
Changing Our Feelings
Our feelings can change when we change our thoughts. While it is natural for us to think about the people and events connected with our circumstances, thinking about our circumstances can often lead to negative emotions. Negative emotions produce confusion, indecision, panic, and bad decisions, and keep us from positive, God-centered emotions and attitudes such as peace, joy, contentment, and thankfulness.
Choose to Think About God
We must choose to turn away from negative thoughts and instead focus our thought on who God is and what He is doing in our lives. This may feel like a battle at times (Galatians 5:16-24), but we're not alone in this battle. We can ask God to help us change what we think about. The Bible tells us to "take every thought captive to obey Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5). We are to "set {our} mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth" (Colossians 3:2).
Right Thinking About God
With the help of the Spirit of God, we can turn wrong thinking and sinful responses into right thinking and the peace and joy we long for. As we think about God more than about our circumstances, we can grow in hope, encouragement, trust, and understanding. We can work at putting our focus onto the facts of God's presence, God's purposes, and God's person.
God's presence: As a single mom, you need to remember that you are not alone in your struggles. God is always with you. All that God is and all of His character qualities are always present with you. Remember, He wants to be and can be way beyond what any "man of your dreams" could offer
God's purposes: Seek to remember God's purposes for your circumstances. God uses suffering and difficulties in your life to develop your character, to provide what you need, to mature and complete you, and to make you useful to others so you can bring honor to Him (Romans 5:1-3, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4; James 1:2-4 1 Peter 1:3-9).
God's person: Think about what God is like. God is loving, involved, and supportive of His children. You can trust God to stay with you and care for you (Romans 8:31-39).
The more you know about God, the more you will want to follow Him, trust Him, choose His ways, and rest in Him, because you will see His love for you and His wisdom and power on your behalf. As you turn your thoughts to God by faith and obedience, you can rejoice in His presence, purposes, and person even in the midst of painful trials. You can begin to view your situation as a gift from God that allows you to learn more about yourself and about God than you would be able to do otherwise. This kind of faithful obedience is pleasing to God.
If you want to work at changing your thoughts about God and turning your self-oriented sinful response into God-centered thoughts and actions, you will need to learn more about God from the Bible. Let's take a look at some of what the Bible says about God and how knowing more about God can make a difference in how you face your struggles as a single mom. Along the way, you'll find verse references that allow you to look in the Bible for yourself and see what it says about God.
How Knowing About God Can Help You
When Facing Loneliness
Raising children alone can consume all the time you have. The loneliness you feel may not come so much from a lack of having people around you, but rather a lack of close companionship with someone whom you can share your life with. You may feel isolated,unconnected, and invisible. When you struggle with loneliness, remember God is always with you, and He desires to have a close relationship with you.
REMEMBER God Is ALWAYS WITH YOU
God did not create this world and then leave us alone to fend for ourselves. He created us and has stayed close by. He is close enough to see you, hear you, and help you (Psalm 23). God is close enough to not only see what is going on around you, but to also "see" what is going on inside you (Psalm 139:1-4).
You can count on God to stay close: "My father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in" (Psalm 27:10); and, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" Hebrews 13:5). Before leaving His disciples here on earth, Jesus comforted them with these words: "Behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age" (Matthew 28:20).
REMEMBER GOD WANTS A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU
The Bible tells us that God is not only near to us, He has also made Himself accessible to us (John 14:23; Romans 5:1-2). The Old Testament speaks of us being able to dwell in His presence (Psalm 16:11; 23:6; 65:4). God has made it possible for us to have a relationship with Him through Christ (John 14:6; 1 Peter 3:18), and we can draw near to God with boldness (Hebrews 4:14-16).
In John 15, Jesus makes it clear He wants us to abide with Him or stay closely united with Him. When you find yourself feeling lonely, remember you are never alone, for God is always with you. The God of all creation wants to have a close relationship with you and give you all that He knows you need.
When Wrestling with Guilt
As a single mom, you may feel guilt over how you became a single mother, not having a father in the home for your children, or not having enough money or time. Whether you feel guilty because of wrong you have done or because you feel inadequate, remember that God is compassionate and forgiving, not wanting you to live overwhelmed with guilt.
REMEMBER GOD IS COMPASSIONATE AND MERCIFUL
God does not sit back and wait for you to mess up so He can pounce on you. God is described as being "rich in mercy" (Ephesians 2:4) and "compassionate and gracious" (Psalm 103:8). for God to be compassionate or merciful means that He feels concern for you and desires to help you in your difficulties, even if you might be to blame for some of the problems in your life.
Jesus illustrates the compassion of God in the story of the prodigal son. Despite all the wrong things the son had done, the father longingly waited and watched for the son, running out to greet him and celebrating when he returned (Luke 15:22-24). That God is compassionate means you can trust Him to stick with you and tenderly help you.
REMEMBER GOD IS FORGIVING
God, who is merciful, made possible our forgiveness through the life, death, and resurrection of His Song (Ephesians 2:4-7; Colossians 2:13-14; Titus 3:4-7). To forgive means to remove our sin from us. We are told about god's forgiveness in many places throughout the Bible, such as Psalm 86:5, 103:12, 130:3-4, and 1John 1:0.
When you are wrestling with guilt, remember that it is God's forgiveness, and only God's forgiveness, that can take away your guilt. Go to God, confess your sin, and receive God's compassionate forgiveness. Then continue to remember He has mercifully forgiven you.
When Working Through Grief
Single mothers frequently deal with the death of a dream--the dream of raising their children with their father. If this is true for you, when you are working through grief, remember that God is your loving, faithful comforter.
REMEMBER GOD IS LOVING
We are told in the Bible that "God is love" (1 John 4:8). Loving is not something God does, but is something God is. The Bible tells us that God loves His children (1 John 3:1; 4:16). This great love God has for you is a constant and enduring kind of love--nothing can separate you from Him (Romans *:31-39).
God took the initiative to love you when you were unlovable (Romans 5:8). his greatest act of love for you was when He sent His Son to pay the penalty for your sin( John 3:16; 1 John 4:9-10). God's love draws you to Him (Jeremiah 31:3), and is is His love that is the basis for everything that He does for you (Romans 8:31-32).
REMEMBER GOD IS FAITHFUL
God is a faithful God (Deuteronomy 7:9; 1 Corinthians 10:13; 2 Timothy 2:13). To be faithful means that God is dependable, reliable, and trustworthy. God never lies (Numbers 23:19; Titus 1:2). If God has said it, He will do it. You can absolutely count on Him.
REMEMBER GOD IS YOUR COMFORTER
The Bible declares God to be the "God of all comfort" (2 Corinthians 1:3). It also describes God as comforting His children like a mother (Isaiah 66:13) and a shepherd )Psalm 23; Isaiah 40:11). God can comfort you in your pain and sadness because His Son,, Jesus, can "sympathize with {your} weakness." He's intimately acquainted with all your sorrow because He lived as a man on earth for over 30 years and experienced sorrows Himself (Hebrews 4:14-16).
When you are working through grief over the losses in your life, remember to turn to God for His loving, faithful comfort. While the people and circumstances of your life may be unreliable and continually changing, God is not. You can depend on Him to stay with you and help you. He will follow through and do what He has said in His Word. You may feel great sorrow, but God is with you to soothe your pain and give you the courage and strenth you need to face your trials.
When Battling Self-centeredness
The inherent self-centerednesss of our own hearts is encouraged by our culture, which tells us to put ourselves first. But God did not create us to be the center of our lown lives. When battling with self-centerednesss, remember that God is our Creator and worthy of our worship.
REMEMBER GOD IS YOUR CREATOR
Your thoughts about God must begin at the beginning. The first words in the Bible are, "In the beginning, God created..." (Genesis 1:1). God is your Creator, and you are His creation: "Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his: we are his people" (Psalm 100:3).
As Creator, God is to be the center, the focal point of everythihng in our lives. As Romans 11:36 says, "From him and through him and to him are all things. T him be glory forever. Amen." Recoginzing God as your Creator will change how you live. The world and your flie are not random happenings but instead have purpose--His purpose (Isaiah 43:7; Epheisian 2:10). See out what God says in the Bible about how you are to live as His creation.
REMEMBER GOD IS WORHTY OF YOUR WORSHIP
Being our Creator makes God the one most worhty of our worship. To be worthy is to have value. The Creator, by nature, has more value than His cration. God's value is demonstrated to us by all he does on our behalf (Psalm 18:1-3). This seems so obvious, yet we do not readily live out these truths. We most often live self-centeredly, as though we are the creators of our won lives, and that our lives are for us and for our purposes and desires. Yet such self-centeredness is self-worship. God tells us plainly why He created us: for his glory (Isaiah 43:7, 1 Cortinthians 10:31). To give glory to God is to give God the attention, repect, adoration, and deoviton He so deserves.
When you are battling self-centeredness, remember that your life is not about you, or what you want, need, or think you deserve. Your life, as the creautre, is to worship your Crreator . Psalm 95:6 calls you to worship "the LORD, [your] Maker." Only when you turn first to worship and honor God as your worthy Creator will you be able to turn away from a self-oriented life.
When Filled with Anger and Resentment
You may feel anger and resentment toward your children's father, toward your children, or toward otherws who are not giving you the help you so desperately need. When filled with anger and resentment, remember that God is in control of everything in this world and he is good.
REMEMBER GOD IS IN CONTROL
As the Creator, God is the sovereign ruler over all things (Psalm 103:19; Daniel 4:17). What happens in your life does not happen by chance. No one is able to surpirse God or in any way mess up His perfect plans for your life (Job 42:1-2; Proverbs 16:4,9). In the Bible, we see how God is in control of all that happens--even in the worst circumstances. For exapmlle, Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers. Then he ended up in prison. AFter years of adversity, God then raised up Joseph as a ruler under the Pharaoh of Egypt. This made it possible for Joseph to help his people when famine struck the Middles EAst. Joseph recognized that while his brothers had meant him harm, God was in control and had directed the painful cirucustances in his life in order to work out His purposes (Genesis 50:20).
REMEBER GOD IS GOOD
This God who is in control over everything is also good (psalm 86:5; 100:5). It is not at all in His character to harm us. you can know that His involvement in your life is for your benefit even when you cannot understand what He is doing.
When you feel angry and resentful over what is happening to you, or when you are not getting your way, remember that God, who is good, is in control. No sitatuion or person (not even your ex!) can interefere with God's good plans for you (Ephesians 1:3-12). Thought you might not get your ways, you can be assured that God is getting His way. You can tkae comfort by remmeber "that for those who love God all things work together for good" and that God's best good for us is that we would become more like His Son (Romans 8:28-29).
When overcome by Fear and Worry
Whether from real threats or from what you think might or could happen, fears and worry can overwhelm you as a single mom. You can fear for your children's safety or worry about how you will pay all of the bills. When you are fearful and worried, remember that God is your powerful protector.
REMEMBER GOD IS POWERFUL
God rules over His creation by His great power (2 Chronicles 20:6; Psalm 66:7). He has the power to accomplish whatever He wills (Jeremiah 32:27; Matthew 19:26). he demonstrated His power when He created the world (Jeremiah 10:12; 27:5) and when He raised Jesus from the dead (Ephesians 1:19-20).
REMEMBER GOD IS YOUR PROTECTOR
In the Bible, God is decribed as our fortress and our refuge (Psalm 18:2; 91:2). A fortress is a miliatry structure used for protection and defense against enemies. A refuge is our a sehlter of safety away from danger. Psalm 46 telss us that because God is our refuge and helper, we need not be afraid (veres 1-3).
When you are overcome by fear and worry, think about the power God used to create the universe. Then remember that He will use that power to do whatever He knows is right and good for you. Turn to God as your place of protection and saefty from whatever causes your fears.
When Struggling with Envy and Self-Pitty
Life is difficult. The extra challenges you face as a single mom can make life even tougher. It may seem like others around you are enjoying a much easier life, and you may find yourself struggling with envy and self-pity.
Envy is feeling deprived when you see others having what you feel you deserve to have yourself. Envy can easily lead to fault-finding, discontentment, rivalry, and hated. When filled with envy, our eyes are blinded to all that we do have, and we can only see what we are lacking. We also focus only on those who have more than we do, rather than those who have less.
To feel self-pity is to indulge in thoughts about how terrible your life is and about how unique and alone you are in your suffering. Self-pity asks, "Why me? Why this? Why now? " It comes out of a heart that is self-centered and ungrateful. When you find yourself simmering in envy and self-pity, remember that God is your just and wise provider.
REMEMBER GOD IS JUST
God is fair and does not play favorites (Deuteronomy 32:4; Daniel 4:37). God does not judge by appearnce or by personal prefences (Deuteronomy 10:17-18; Epheisians 6:9). When you find yourself thinking, This is not fair! remember that God truly is fair--although He only treats us kindly because He was unfair to His Son. What may appear as unfair to you is part of God's purpose. Remember what Isaiah 55:8-9 tells about God: His thoughts and ways are not like our thoughts and ways.
REMEMBER GOD IS WISE
Our wise God (Job 9:4) knows everything (Job 37:16). God knows all things becaue he created all (Job 38-41), He is everywhere (Psalm 139:11-12; Hebrews 4:13)..
REMEMBER GOD IS YOUR PROVIDER
Scripture paints the picture for us of God as our tender, sufficient provider: "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want" (Psalm 23:1). God alone is the cource of all we need because He is the source of all life. God is generous in His provision. We are told that He "graciously gives us all things" (Romans 8:32). Jesus came so we could "have life and have it abundantly" (John 10:10). God is "able to do far more abundantly thatn all that we ask or think"" (Epheisians 3:20).
When you are struggling with envy and self-pity, remember that God knows what you need, can provide what you need, and will provide what you neeed because of His wisdom, power, and love for you. When you are feeling left out or you must do without what others have, remember that God is wise and knows even better than you what you truly need, and He does not play favorites. He is not keeping back from you what you need to live joyfully before Him. When you struggle with envy and self-pity, think about how God is at work in ways you cannot see. When you cooperate with Him, God will use the trials and struggles in your life to provide for you in ways beyond what you can imagine (2 Corinthians 9:8; Epheisians 3:20).
Growing Closer to God
There is great hope for single mothers like Cherie, Gabrielle, Latoya, Amber, and you. God wants to come alongside you and be the primary relationship in your life. God is your compassionate forgiver, you loving and faithful comforter, your good ruler, your powerful protector, and your just and wise provider. He's way beyond "the mand of your drams," isn't He?
