PAYING CHILD SUPPORT BECAUSE YOU'RE FORCED TO DOES NOT MAKE YOU A GOOD PARENT

Dear men who complain about paying child support because she’s taking “your” money & spending it on “herself”:

Ask yourselves this: other than paying child support, what else are you doing for your kid?
How many times have you taken your kid to school and picked her up? Talked to her teachers about how she’s doing, socially & academically? How much homework do you help with? Do you know the names of her best friend, her best friends’ parents, the little boy she has a crush on, the kid she hates? How many playdates do you supervise every week? How many field trips have you chaperoned?

How many nights have you rushed home from work, exhausted, and then had to get dinner on the stove? Where are you when Maddy is asking a million questions while you’re trying to get her off to bed so you can take care of your own responsibilities, like paying the bills, or doing some laundry?

When was the last time you got to use the bathroom in peace, without having your child walk in on you? How many nights has your child gotten out of her bed and crawled into yours because she was having nightmares and couldn’t sleep?

How many doctors’ appointments have you taken her to? How many times have you left your job because she suddenly spiked a fever at school, or had an asthma attack and forgot her inhaler? How many nights have you spent with her in the pediatric ER because she fell, or started throwing up, or just didn’t look right and your instincts said, get her to a doctor right away?

Courts split responsibility for taking care of the child’s financial needs between the parents according to income, per a predefined formula. In cases where the child’s father makes more than the mother, courts will expect him to carry the lion’s share of the financial burden. When she makes more money – she bears most of the burden. And yet, even in those cases, men still complain about paying the tiny portion the court deems to be their fair share. They’ll say, “she makes enough to take care of the kids. She don’t need my money.” To the selfish JERKS who think like that, I say – grow up.

A lot of men resent the fact that child support goes towards expenses like rent and utilities, as if a child doesn’t also need a safe, warm place to live. If a mother is spending $500 per month to take care of your child, and you contribute $200, that means she contributed $300. It may mean that, thanks to your contribution, she has some income left over to treat herself to hair appointments. So? Who’s clocking what you do with the rest of your money that isn’t going towards child support? Oh. Once you pay child support, it’s not your money anymore. Let it go.

Parenting is more than having the local child support office garnish your paycheck. If you’re not doing your share of the heavy lifting – if the only thing you contribute to your child’s life is that monthly or biweekly check – please shut the entire hell up about what the mother of your child “does” with that child support check.

Making Sense of My Story

I always find it somewhat annoying when a well-intentioned married person tells me their spouse/marriage story in such a way that implies there is something I just need to do (or stop doing) and then I’ll get married. ”Just stop looking.  That’s when you’ll find it.  That’s what happened to me.”  ”Just have fun!” “Once I put myself out there…” or “Once I decided to take a step back from dating…”

As if there is some magical action I need to take or magical thought I need to think, and then my story will make as much sense as theirs.  It’s not that I don’t like their story.  It’s that they tell it with such ease and it inevitably concludes with a happy ending.   They seem to be saying that when they reflect on their singleness, everything now makes sense in context of how it directed them to or prepared them for their eventual spouse.  All the other relationships and seasons of spiritual growth and ordained timing added up to a good spouse.

And I just find this all a bit odd.  I mean, I look back on my singleness thus far and see almost nothing that makes sense.  I see relational missteps, hours of counseling, way too many dating advice books, trying not to be angry at weddings, some really tragic dating stories, some really great dating stories, painful and less-painful breakups, regret, longing, cyclical disappointment and severe growth at the cost of my hoped-for life.  And none of this has led me to a spouse…so is my story somehow permanently less valid?

I think there are several lies inherent in this line of storytelling and in my reaction:

Lie: Our primary story is the story of how we meet our spouse.  Nope.  The spouse story might be a chapter in the broader story, but it’s not the point.  Our primary story is really Easter morning: that God himself bridged the chasm with sinful humanity, suffered in our place, conquered death and rose to live for us, with us, in us.  That He has redeemed us, is sanctifying us, and is coming back for us.  My story is not really about me – it’s about Him.

Lie: Because I can’t put the pieces together of my strange life, my story is not worth telling.  I often feel like I’m waiting to tell my singleness story when it makes sense.  Currently, it makes zero sense. I mean, who in their right mind wants to admit to being almost 40, pursuing purity, single, longing for marriage, and all in a public forum?  Oh right. Apparently me.  I take comfort from Jesus instructing the demon-possessed man in the Gerasenes (whose story probably didn’t make sense either): “Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you.”  Our stories don’t have to make sense to us to reflect God’s provision and grace to us.

Lie: We know where the story goes from here.  Like most chick flicks, couples often stop telling their “story” at their wedding day.  The reality (married folks, correct me here if I’m mistaken) is that on their wedding day, they had no idea what they were getting into with the whole marriage business.  Even good married life is full of unmet expectations, suffering, longing, and frustration at circumstances which one wishes could be changed.  Which sounds oddly a lot like singleness.

It’s easy for me to tell myself that I know where this life goes next (“I will now become the unmarried sister who is too career-oriented.  Next I will be the unexplainably single aunt for my nieces and nephew. Lastly, I will become that lady with too many houseplants, cats and a Netflix queue full of PBS.  Great!  I can’t wait.”)  The truth is that I have no idea what my singleness holds any more than a couple on their wedding day knows what their marriage will hold.

Letting God write a bigger story for me means I don’t know what will happen and it will probably not make sense for most of the time.  But that puts me exactly where I need to be: trusting God anew.

By His Grace,
Elaina

Longings after God

My dear Lord, I can but tell Thee that Thou knowest I long for nothing but Thyself, nothing but holiness, nothing but union with Thy will. Thou hast given me these desires, and thou alone canst give me the thing desired. My soul longs for communion with Thee, for mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. How precious it is to have a tender sense and clear apprehension of the mystery of godliness, of true holiness! What a blessedness to be like Thee as much as it is possible for a creature to be like its creator! Lord, give me more of Thy likeness; enlarge my soul to contain fullness of holiness; engage me to live more for Thee. Help me to be less pleased with my spiritual experiences, and when I feel at ease after sweet communings, teach me it is far too little I know and do. Blessed Lord, let me climb up near to Thee, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle with Thee, and pant for deliverance from the body of sin, for my heart is wandering and lifeless, and my soul mourns to think it should ever lose sight of its beloved. Wrap my life in divine love, and keep me ever desiring Thee, always humble and resigned to Thy will, more fixed on Thyself, that I may be more fitted for doing and-suffering.

Taken from The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions




The Deeps

Lord Jesus, give me a deeper repentance, a horror of sin, a dread of its approach. Help me chastely to flee it and jealously to resolve that my heart shall be Thine alone.

Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in Thee, the ground of my rest, the spring of my being. Give me a deeper knowledge of Thyself as saviour, master, lord, and king. Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in Thy Word, more steadfast grip on its truth. Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action, and let me not seek moral virtue apart from Thee.

Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly husbandman, that my being may be a tilled field, the roots of grace spreading far and wide, until Thou alone art seen in me, Thy beauty golden like summer harvest, Thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.

I have no master but Thee, no law but Thy will, no delight but Thyself, no wealth but that Thou givest, no good but that Thou blessest, no peace but that Thou bestowest. I am nothing but that Thou makest me. I have nothing but that I receive from Thee. I can be nothing but that grace adorns me. Quarry me deep, dear Lord, and then fill me to overflowing with living water.

Taken from The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions